When Feedback Becomes Confusing
She'd been told she was "too direct".
Before that, "not assertive enough".
One manager praised her initiative. Another told her to "slow down and follow the process".
And the worst part? She was trying to act on it all. Until she landed in our coaching space and finally said:
"I don't know which version of me they want anymore".
The Myth Of "All Feedback Is Useful"
We're told that feedback is a gift. That it's always valuable. That if we want to grow, we should take it all on board.
But here's the truth: not all feedback is valuable. And that's not your fault.
Feedback is only as clear as the lens through which it comes. And not all lenses are clear.
When Feedback Gets Distorted
Some feedback is shaped by:
- Bias. Assumptions about your age, gender, background, or style.
- Fear. A manager who protects themselves more than develops you.
- Projections. Someone reacting to their own insecurities, not your actions.
- Preference. Subjective style difference masquerading as objective critique.
When feedback comes through a cracked or fogged lens, it doesn't reflect who you are. It reflects where the other person is.
The Cost Of Taking It All On
For ambitious emerging leaders, the instinct is to listen more attentively, adapt more quickly, and prove oneself.
However, trying to act on every piece of feedback leaves you scattered. You start contorting yourself to fit every perspective.
And the result? You lost clarity on your own perspective.
Because leadership isn't about pleasing every voice, it's about knowing which ones to trust, and when to come home to yourself.
How To Discern Useful Feedback
Here's a practice we often use in coaching:
- Pause before reacting. Not every piece of feedback needs immediate action.
- Ask "What lens is this coming through?". Bias, fear, projection, or genuine observation?
- Check for resonance. Does this feedback connect with something you already suspect about yourself? Or does it feel foreign and destabilising?
- Decide, don't absorb. Choose whether to take it on, adept it, or release it.
Discernment is the skill. Not endless adaptation.
My Gentle Invitation
If you've been feeling lost under the weight of conflicting feedback, know this: it isn't because you're not enough. It's because not all feedback is worth carrying.
Leadership growth isn't about becoming everyone else's version of you. It's about becoming someone you trust.
At Foresight, our coaching programs create space for precisely this kind of discernment. Not more noise, but clarity. Not endless adaptation, but alignment.
Because not all feedback is valuable, and the strongest leaders learn not just to listen, but to choose what truly belongs.
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